29 - Self-realization‌

Self-realization‌

"The Sastras say that one must serve the Un-manifest Sat for twelve years in order to attain Self-realization" [Sounds like a cycle of Jupiter to me – Terrell]

Come late-April one of the Master Teachers came to our centre. I was somewhat concerned because I was obviously falling by the wayside. The other brothers and sisters became very spiritual the week the Teacher was coming but I just went about behaving in my seemingly non-spiritual way. I had figured that she would inform me that I had to leave the Order anyway so I did not do any extra spiritual exercises or prayer work that week.

Master Marthelia McCaffery was really at the top of the spiritual game and even though I was thinking this was all a crock of shit when she entered our centre everything changed – and not for any reason except for her presence. I could feel when she was in the house, and my heart would double its beat if I passed her. I have no idea how these things happen but there was something different about this person. I suddenly felt spiritual and close to God.

Whatever could that mean? To me it was like any burden I had disappeared, and all my thoughts were centred on being close to a higher energy. I felt high.

Three days after she arrived, Thursday April 29, during a total eclipse of the Sun at 9 degrees Taurus Master Marthelia told me to go the chapel. I went in and mediated and the day just went by in a very lazy blissy type of manner. She said that I needed to prepare myself to be brought into realization of the Self for a following Sunday. She left for Boston and sure enough on May 9th a few days before a partial eclipse of the moon at 23 degrees of Scorpio she called me to the alter. The fact that it was one of those Hallmark greeting card holidays, Mother’s Day, made it all the more significant I suppose.
I was having such a terrible time before all this. Of course, as anyone would know, I had transit Saturn sitting on my Mercury at this time and of course that makes for serious brooding at the best of time, if not downright depression. That I would be brought into self-realization with Saturn to Mercury is really very significant. In retrospect, 42-years later this makes perfect sense. Doesn’t it?

What was strange, I thought, was that everyone in the house thought Marthelia was there for them. Daniel sat in the back of the chapel, and he had been in there for hours a day for the week before whilst I did not go in once, crying. I never understood that.

Master Marthelia McCaffery called me to the alter and she lit lots of candles and then she put her hand on my head and said a bunch of stuff. I could feel the room swirl around me – it was very much like taking a drug – perhaps LSD, only I had not taken anything and I did feel as if I was being sucked into some sort of vortex thingy. Then there was a peaceful moment and whilst my eyes were closed, I could see an incredibly bright light and Marthelia told me that the veil over the Self had been removed. And that was it. I was still me but I had apparently gone through some initiation. I think it is the ninth solar initiation or some such thing.

The Self is allegedly the real us – that part of us that goes from lifetime to life time taking on various bodies on various planets and in various dimensions of consciousness in order to gain knowledge. We are born with a veil, according to the teachings that my Order followed, that covers the Self so that we are forced to live our life without the benefit of the all-knowing Self. Students of many Eastern religions spend their life trying to get to the point of having contact with the Self and the reason that a loser like me could do it, apparently, was because I had spent many lifetimes in spiritual work and service. As I will elaborate on later, especially in section three, which should never have had to be written, I seriously doubt all these claims to being able to be in contact with the Self and I am beginning to believe that perhaps we have no past and we have no future. Saying that, I cannot understand why I did see what I did see and experience what I did except to say that perhaps I was hypnotized. Four days later I was back to selling hotdogs on the streets of Baltimore. I am sure I was the only self-realized fully enlightened being selling hot dogs as a street vendor. Being a vegetarian made the whole experience quite stupid.

No one else was brought into Self- realization or had any particular thing brought to them by Master Marthelia and I actually did feel resentment from the others in the house. She actually ignored the others and it was as if she came to the Baltimore centre twice, just for me. There were at least thirty brothers and sisters in our house and none of them could believe that I was ‘chosen’. And to make matters worse I did not react like it was any big thing but instead just sort of rocked along in the same way I had been before – though I must say my meditations were colourful and I felt as if I was transported to another place but I could not say how any of that really had anything to do with the betterment of my life. I was supposed to serve myself communion every day and I did do it for a couple of weeks then stopped.

From The Gnostic Order of Christ webpage
@ http://www.gnosticorderofchrist.org/about/lineage2.htm The Historical Lineages of The Gnostic Order of Christ (25/07/2015)
The Rite to Ordain in the Lineage of The Priesthood After the Order of Melchizedek of The Order of The Holy Cross through Father Paul Blighton between 1965 and 1967. The Rite was first passed by Father Paul to five teachers of The Holy Order of MANS (1970-1974; J Anderson (1970), Timothy Harris (1970), Andrew Rossi, Philip McCaffery and Marthelia McCaffery)…

May 9 – Self-Realization

(Diary entry) list of five favourite girlfriends: Francine, T., Dorrie, Carol Ann, Chialeah…oh wait that is six…

By the first week of June, I was smoking pot again – some powerful stuff that Chialeah sent me from Hawaii and I am sure that was really against what I was supposed to be doing with my new found exalted spiritual beingness and all. For my entry for the next day June 6th, after getting stoned off my rafters I have written, ‘feel a total transformation – like the load of life lifted from off of my back’.

I had written the Esoteric Council explaining that I should work on obtaining a degree in nursing so that I could better serve others. For whatever reason, I would usually get whatever I asked the Esoteric Council for. They told me to go for it. On June 1st, 197675F (Holy Cow! Almost exactly two hundred years after the American Independence thing; July 04, 1776. Now talk about synchronicity – or not.) I had my first class at Towson State University, and I felt great. The first course was on Biology, I studied diligently for the next few weeks. I was over the moon – finally, I was a real college student and the fact that I had to go to school in clerics and that I was 29 years old no longer mattered. I had a future – finally, I would be a nurse. Going in clerics was just weird. Other students would open the door for me, and say ‘hello father’ and all I would think about was what were my chances of getting into that girl’s pants’?

At the end of June, I was still getting letters from Rev. Francis – being out of the Order she was coming on stronger all the time. For the next few weeks my entries in my diary constantly say that I am tired and at the same time I seem to be smoking a lot
of pot and trying to study. What is almost impossible for me to understand now, decades later, is how I could be in a religious order going to university and getting stoned – it all seems so strange I have no idea why I did all that or any of those things. Perhaps it is all about maturity – I surely would not be in a religious order now and I surely would not get stoned – though I must admit that I am still doing schooling.

As of this writing, my PhD is supposed to be finished and I am just waiting for it to go the examiners (August 2004. Now seventeen years later I have been Dr. Terrell for that whole time. How cool?).
My entry for July 12 1976 is, ‘ biology exam – 75% - studied much - lost faith in all this spiritual shit – prayed – worked for an A got a C – fucked up’. Of course, in my great wisdom now being only a couple of weeks shy of 57 is that I was doing it all wrong then and in hindsight we are always doing it all wrong. Even now I am doing it all wrong and when I write about now, 2004, I will write about how I was doing it all wrong and I did not know my ass from a hole in the ground. This is the thing about tomorrow – we should always be at a higher and more evolved place than we are now, tomorrow.
Also, back then, I really followed astrology, every day’s aspects are noted. What a bunch of shit. It did not help me to know whether I am functioning at the top of my game or not. (e-book edit; 21 June 2016, still think the same)

I did keep in touch with people from the past, T., Chialeah, Ruth, Linda and the list goes on. I must have still liked Shelly, the girl I stayed with at the beginning of 1976 because July 18th I went to New York City and stayed with her again. I have noted that Transit Saturn = Mercury/Pluto and I have written, ‘I have concluded that separation is compulsory.’

July 30th the Baltimore Centre moved to Towson, Maryland.

On August 6 I met Dorrie and fell deeply in love with her for whatever period I was deeply in love with her. Dorrie was one of the Christian Community females who later joined the Order. One of the strictest rules in the Order was that we were not to get involved with the community people who attended services. One of the lines that were given to us over and over was that people were attracted to the Light and not us. It seems that we had the Light of Christ infused in us – though I never believed that teaching. We went through an initiation that the Order referred to as ‘The Illumination’. At this time, we allegedly had The Light of Christ brought forth into us, we were draped with it, we were infused and draped with it, or God knows what? I had this grandiose event ‘happen’ to me in 1970. At the time, I compared it to taking good LSD and for that I was sent to the chapel. I had to spend a couple of days on my knees in front of the Mary Alter – though I am not sure that I ever thought of it more than that. I felt very high and when I closed my eyes I saw orbs of light, which I was told, was God. God apparently is egg shaped or at least the God of our solar system or our solar system is our God and we are in that orb which is the solar system and the Sun is God’s Self. Whether any of this is true is really impossible to prove just like any religious or spiritual ‘truth’ is impossible to prove – we can only believe what we believe the gimmick used by the leaders is something to do with faith. Nonetheless I met Dorrie. I was stung by love and so was she. I did not really care whether it was the Light within me or the Neanderthal charm oozing out of my pores. I will never know. Was she just using me to get to God?

Good golly what a weird thought but that in essence is what we were taught whilst I was obviously using her to satisfy so many parts of me that it no longer mattered what the reason exactly was.

Patterns on my skin
where
you held so tight Circles in my heart
In-prints in the sand
where we whispered
sighs in the surf tears
in the mist kissing twilight
in the sand
Like patterns on my
skin tattoos on my mind
sapphires in our sweat
You are always here
when I dream
when I stare
when I remember
Kisses floating in the breeze
I know they are yours
by
the scent
by
the
taste
by the touch
Patterns in our life
created and sustained
That we are
NOW
that we are one.
https://neuage.org/picture_poems/patterns_on_my_skin.htm

We met on a Friday at one of the HOOM prayer meetings that was open to the community of the great city of Baltimore. Following prayers. I began speaking with Dorrie about the Order.
Somewhere in our conversation I mentioned something about astrology, one of my old stand-by pickup methods from when I was a street artist in New Orleans. She invited me to where she lived and as I did not have a car, no one had any individual possessions in the Order except for their clothes and at times what we wore was not really our own as we tended to wear what was available.

I read her chart to her between 8 – 11 PM and whatever it was that I saw in that reading, I did not find my way back home that night. I do remember the next day being Saturday. She had to be at work in the afternoon, and we wanted to lay in the summer grass under a hot August moment, so we took an alarm clock with us in case we lost track of time or it found us lost or whatever it is with time that we Western humans try to do with it. But in the midst of that particular moment that humans or at least us males prize in our contacts with one another, the alarm went off and to my shock I realized that not only was there no protection to protect us from the consequences of the moment but she was not on any pill thing and we were nothing less than two humans of opposite gender laid bare for the forces of creation to do what it chose to do with us, perhaps even create some egg shaped forms in the image of God to come forth immersed in The Light. The fact that transit Saturn was parallel to my Venus was not very good for the moment’s happiness neither.

I received a card the next day from Chialeah that read, ‘see you soon’, and that terrified me even more. And just when I always thought my moment with the sister in the basement was a one off, I recently discovered by reading an old diary that I slept with her, Roberta, again the following week at a youth hostel that the Order ran in Baltimore. Maybe we were in fact lovers for a while, and I totally have forgotten anything more than one casual encounter. The following day, Friday, August 20, the sister, Roberta, that I spent the day before within our sinful embraces requested a sabbatical from the Order. It would not surprise me at all to find that I have really pissed off some women along the way. In my world I just go merrily along, often totally unaware of any consequences to my actions. Then again I am sure most people do that because at the end of the day I believe I am really just like everyone else.

That same weekend my brother came down from New York City. I was so happy to see him that we smoked some pot and went out on the town. To make the moment even a bit stranger, I had to give the Brother’s Sermon in chapel on Sunday. I felt very uncomfortable with it as my brother was there, Dorrie was there – and I thought that maybe she could be pregnant and was having dreams about that, and the sister that I had porked (I was born in the year of the pig in Chinese astrology so this metaphor does work for me) a couple of days earlier and who had requested a sabbatical was there and Chialeah was on her way. I have no notes on what I gave the sermon on but it must have been a pack of lies in some form or another because the congregation was there to be enlightened by the likes of me and all I had done the previous week was get stoned and laid. I realize that this is not unique, as I have met priests and ministers that presented quite a different person in front of their congregation than they really were. I am just amazed that people go to church and actually believe the song and dance presented. It would be good if society did not collectively feel that there had to be the two sides presented, the social side and the behind-the-scenes side. This has been going on for thousands of years. The Internet is finally uniting the two sides with people showing their sexual side for all to see.

The next week the Brother Teacher who was from Boston and who was screwing one of the sisters in our centre arrived and he gave me grief over my activities telling me to stay away from interacting with Dorry. I was amazed by his power trip and moral high ground knowing what he was up to though he did not know we all knew – we knew because the sister had told us all that she was fucking the Brother-Teacher from Boston. It became even
stranger when we found out he was doing two sisters at our centre and until one started bragging about it the other sister did not know and thought she was the only one. Of course, it came out later that he had a sister in every centre type-of-caper going-on, plus, his Sister-Teacher wife back in Boston, and here he was telling me to stay away from Dorrie. He told me that I was harmful to her spiritual growth.

At the beginning of September, I got a job in Towson that was closer to a proper job – working at a nursing home, Manor Care Nursing Home. I spent a lot of time talking with people who were in their eighties and nineties and who were trying to get a perspective on what life was.

Everything that I had heard in the Order or growing up in the Methodist clique or in any other church become unstuck in this situation. Here there were people who had worked for decades to achieve something or the other. One woman had been a well-known scientist, had published books, and was now bed-ridden and she did not know her name. It was very clear that we are truly at the mercy of brain cells or fate or luck or something beyond that and that we fall short of anything spiritual. People who professed to be of a certain faith all their lives – spending chunks of their lives telling others about Christianity for example – and now there they were lying curled up in bed slobbering slurring slugs staring madly into a impregnated future vacuity of a humourless God.

Christians believe in grace. Grace is a concept that declares that a benevolent God sent His son to die. Of course most forms of Christianity believe His son was He, which complicates the picture even more, for one’s salvation. Of course, only the ones who believe the same way as the ones telling the story are the ones who collect salvation and get the grace treatment. I believe that would be great if there was more to the story but the more to the story is that those who get the grace and who are saved get to go to heaven and the rest burn for eternity in Hell. Of course if one is gay even if he or she believes in the Christian teachings then he or she will burn in Hell according to the Christians. So at the end of the day there is just this narrow vein of
humanity that gets to go to Heaven – some like to say 144,000 or some such silly magical number and those who say it are convinced they are one of the 144,000 or some such silly magical number and the rest of the many billions of people get to be marshmallowed in some gigantic roast. “Hey, God, Throw another sinner on the barbie.”

In Christianity then, the overriding theory is that one does not have to work too hard for their place in front of God’s golden thrown. They just basically must be white, Western, not poor and heterosexual with but a few birth defects. So if God is the creator of everyone and everything then what kind of God creates 90 percent of the population to be slaves in one form or another to those who believe they are chosen? I much prefer the Buddhist and Hindu and religions that see the individual as being in charge of his or her life to the point that they have to come back life after life until they get it right – whatever right is.

In the nursing home I worked at, with only white patients, mostly coming from an upper class Protestant background, I think the majority of them at some time in their life would have felt that they were doing quite OK and that God thought they were quite OK and sooner or later they would hop into God’s arm where they would spend eternity in Heaven, where the streets are lined with gold. But something went wrong along the way, either a person got old and there was no one to take care of them at home, or some brain cells began to misfire and suddenly they were out to lunch.

For example, it does not matter what you believe, or how much good one does, or even – in the case of Ronald Reagan – President of the United States, if one has Alzheimer, then they are cactus. I doubted the value of the individual life as I worked in the nursing home and began to see that we are all here only as stepping-stones for the next wave of humanity.

Each generation of this wave of humans lives longer than the ones before, not because of Jesus or any other Messiah, or of any belief.

Humans are gradually living longer and with a better quality of life because of the evolution of the individual, whether through science or better knowledge of how to live life. Half the people in the nursing home would be living a happy and bright life
– caring for themselves – if they were living a couple of hundred years later than they were here in Towson, 1976. There has to be a reason why people are living about three times longer now than they were 2000 years ago. Two-thousand years ago the angels sang, “Today a saviour is born...” and even so everyone died quite young in today’s comparison and it has taken thousands of years for the normal age of death to be in the eighties – or at least for Western people. Two thousand years ago people thought the end times were near and everyone has been saying “surely these are the end times” ever since. And of course for the aging, no matter what they believed, the end time is nigh.

For whatever was happening in my mind after starting to work in a nursing home with all these thoughts I had written in my diary for the day I began to work, Saturday, September 4,

“At house meeting it was decided that everyone should wear clerics to school (there were three of us, I think who were attending Towson State University) – I will follow – as want to totally do Order trip now”.

Before this time, I managed to stop wearing clerics to university because I was so embarrassed looking so stupid and wearing something that represented what I did not believe. My life was so fractured and I was living in such a way I did not know what I was doing. I was a university student, I was a Brother in a Holy Order, I was getting stoned a lot and drinking a lot of communion wine, and I was in love with one person but I was having sex with others and I was wanting to be spiritual but then I did not believe what I was preaching on Sundays and I was frantically studying astrology and the occult and reading the Bible76F and nothing was working or making sense to me.

(The Bible has some of the best sex tales. For example, Genesis 30:14-17 tells us how Rachel will let another chick, Leah, fuck her husband if she
gives her his son’s mandrakes. Of course, Mandrake is a narcotic plant. A drug deal for sex. And the rape of Tamar (2 Samuel 13:1-19) by her brother – of course he gets away with it. And how can we go past Jesus’ ancestor, Judah and his prostitution swings (Matthew 1:3). The glory gory Sodom and Gomorrah story, with Lot’s daughter being raped by most of the village is really a Bible plus (Judges Chapter 19 and Genesis 19:1-11. Having sex with Daddy? Read all about it in Genesis 19:31-38 – then of course having children with him and being glorified by “The Lord”. My favourite is King David. He screws a beautiful married woman, gets her pregnant and then has her husband murdered so he can have her for himself and at this point she is wife number nine. Now our good Christian folks run around the world with all their moral shit – come on.)

But on this one day it seems the decision was made that we should all be wearing clerics all the time and I was no longer to be just Terrell, actually my baptismal name was Brother Arthur, I was not Brother Terrell or Brother Arthur or to the other students at Towson State University I was Father Adsit. It was a mess. On this same Saturday, Sister Janet arrived from another centre. I was immediately in love again. Sister Janet was attractive, artistic and a Leo, born on August 2. But my involvement with her will not be noted in this short self-centred story of me, for another three years and four months.

I picked her up from the bus station at 9 AM and I could barely wait to get home to do an astrological chart of my first meeting with her to see if she was The One or at least the one for me for
some period. However, there is nothing recorded for me to tell you whether at the time the stars had proclaimed she was the one for me or not.

Side Note: in Book 2 – In 1980 I stopped into Dallas to visit Janet. I was sitting on her sofa quite close, just about to negotiate one of my moves. Soon after she was driving me to the hospital. (spoiler alert; I had kidney stones that flared up into incredible pain just as I went to touch her) The next day she collected me from the hospital and drove me to the airport to continue my trip: Baltimore – Dallas
– LA – Auckland NZ – Sydney Australia….the Essence of book 2.

Three days later I was with Dorrie and we went to the mountains in Western Maryland and I realized that my love for her was immense and I promised myself that I would not get involved with anyone else because I had met the one for me. At the time my Venus was at the midpoint of the Transits of Pluto and Neptune and this meant only one (or two) things: “strange love, loyalty, spiritual and supernatural love and inspired art”. I think why I loved astrology so much was that I could always find some aspect that would say what I wanted to hear at the time. At any given time, there are hundreds of aspects, depending on how many planets, points, midpoints, progressions, transits, and composite charts one uses – to explain anything at all. I also used my biorhythm cycles to explain things along with Tarot and I-Ching readings and mediations to make me such a pure source of knowingness. Of course, getting stoned and drunk, stuffed things up at times.

On Thursday, September 9 I had a triple critical day, when my mental, physical and some other cycle – perhaps spiritual or psychological – cycles were all at a critical point which I seem to recall was when they crossed some line on a chart that I had on my wall. I think one of the cycles was going down and the others were going up or two were going down and one was going up or perhaps all three were going down or up – but whatever it was I had a triple critical day and I was concerned, especially as my Progressed Solar Arc Ascendant was sextile Cupido which I think was slightly OK but it
was rare. Cupido is a ‘transNeptune planet’. What this means is that some wit believed or calculated that there were nine or ten planets outside the orbit of Neptune. A person in Germany with a long name figured this out in the mid part of the twenty- century, like in the 1940s or so. He thought there were a lot of things that happened in people’s lives that could not be attributed to the known planets. So instead of saying astrology is a bunch of shit he made up points and said that those points brought about situations in one’s lives and therefore they were planets that had not yet been discovered but which were impacting on people’s lives. A whole school of astrology sprung up based on this and it is still going strong even though none of these planets have yet been “discovered (See The Uranian
Society at http://uraniansociety.com &
http://www.uranian-institute.org/ )

This just goes to show that astrology can explain anything and everything that happens in our lives even if new planets have to be invented to prove it. However, even with my Progressed Solar Arc Ascendant being in sextile to Cupido – a made up planet, which I think had something to do with love – which is a slightly good aspect and I had that critical triple day – I progressed on through the week with nothing amazing happening. I did note for the rest of the week that I was having a “nice turn in a relationship.” I did note in my diary that I received a message from the higher Self or my own wishful thinking or perhaps someone whispered it in my ear but whilst in communion I received, “...wisdom, you have, follow the intelligence of the spirit.’ And perhaps that is just what I did.

The world was going to go through such a change and the sort of education that was being offered to the masses had nothing that would benefit humankind during these last years as life as we knew it on earth unravelled. I truly believed the last days were upon us and whether society and life would even exist on this planet after 1980 was a constant speculation in the Order. George Orwell's book, 1984, may have predicted some of what the world would be like if it continued until 1984. By the mid- 1970s there seemed to be little reason to plan for a
future that no doubt would not need what a university could offer but I was bored and I wanted to attend university more for the experience than to get a degree. I am writing this on Saturday, December 18, 2004, on a flight to London – Singapore – Melbourne – Adelaide, two days after receiving the news that my PhD thesis had been passed by the examiners with some editing to do before I could proclaim my doctorship – not quite the sainthood I had wanted but at the end of the day probably more profitable.

I noted in my diary of 1976, that I was “quite behind in studying – too much Dorrie – not enough study – school until 4.45 PM. Five PM to work, called Dorrie at 11.30 PM asking not to see one another for a week so I can study. But the problem was I was having a terrible time because I thought maybe Dorrie was pregnant from our repeated times together and she had told me she had not used any protection and I surely had not. This is all I would need to add to all my confusion – have someone pregnant. By the end of the month I had written Dorrie that I no longer wanted to see her.
Something about the Order rules or God not sanctioning us or some such bullshit that I used on occasion to get out of a relationship. Of course to get into a relationship, whether for an hour or for days on end I used the “God-card” that we should be united or an astrological reading that showed we should be together then when I wanted out I did the same thing. Looking back I really do not like that person who I was back then but I did get laid a lot and I suppose that is what life is really all about no matter how we want to present it. At the end of the day every human just wants to get laid and we will do anything to fulfil that urge because it is the way we were put together. Every religion teaches this in some form or another and every aspect of nature does this.
Life exists for only one reason and that is for sex.

Around this same time an edict went out from the Order that no one was to teach astrology. I was teaching astrological classes both at John Hopkins University and at some new age centre in
Washington DC. I was going through my first Saturn return – that point every 28 years or so we go through when the shit hits the fan. And I have more than your typical run amuck Saturn return. Because I have Saturn in the same degree and minute as Pluto I get a real big hit and because I have Saturn and Pluto also conjunct my Venus and Sun and square my Jupiter I get a bigger kick than most people do. I have my second Saturn Return in October 2005 and it goes back and forth until about July 2006 meaning fun fun fun and change change change. Thus, my illustrious career as an astrologic academic came to a grinding halt – midway between a description of Uranus and Neptune.

I was as confused as ever going from one- day writing that I “called Dorrie from Towson State University 11.30 AM to 12.15 PM, missed her too much”, to “with Dorrie – 2 – 6 PM made love the whole time” to “don’t feel connection with Dorrie any more”, all in the same week. I was also ill a lot, smoked a lot of pot, and in the midst tried to be a good spiritual brother, as well as a good student, trying to learn chemistry, physics, anatomy and nursing and I was working part-time at a nursing home. I was not a good university student and barely passed my courses. At the time, instead of taking charge of my life, I blamed my misfortunes and confusion on my astrological aspects and Biorhythms (“bio-rhythm critical crossing for physical: low for mental, heavy pressure on head, sick – bad cold”) and I kept a log of my astrological aspects, which just were simply ‘bad’. One good thing I did during those weeks in October was that I stopped smoking cigarettes though I continued to smoke pot most days and wrote often that I felt spaced and tired but somehow I did not link any of my bad feelings or confusion with getting stoned every day – not to mention that as a brother in a Holy Order I was not supposed to do any such thing. Now twenty-eight years later I feel healthier than I did then – even with an incurable disease (Well actually as of December 2014 I have cleared the Hepatitis C virus that most likely I collected back in the 1960s when shooting Methedrine. It is one of those new wonder drugs that cost about a thousand
dollars a pill). Of course, I have not done any ‘illegal’ drugs for close to three decades and the body probably does repair itself over time even with age. Now in July 2015 on chemotherapy I feel much worse than I did when I did take illegal drugs. I can tell you for a fact that legal doctor-prescribed-drugs have worse side effects than any illegal ones could possibly give. And I have no idea whether these drugs I now take will fix my diseased body.

I managed to stay away from Dorrie for almost two weeks in October, writing her that I was going to follow the Order’s way now plus I did not have time because of study but one day she found me studying in the library at uni and we went to her house and made love for a few hours and then I was upset with myself afterwards for having given in and not being able to be the brother I wanted to be or the student I should have been. The next day’s entry sums it up, “in the morning felt weak, confused, went back to bed after communion (we had communion every morning before breakfast and a short religious service) missed chemistry class and English class...”.

On Saturday I smoked pot all day and “felt better” – and it was a “total eclipse of the Sun at 29- degree Libra which is conjunct my ascendant and I thought at the time was the reason for my wishy- washy confusion in life.

The rest of the year was the same as I said it was above: Dorrie – in and out; off and on, getting stoned, doing well in some subjects doing poorly in others and at the beginning of the second week of December I was told I had to go to the San Francisco Centre and it was decided in one of our house meetings that university students did not have to work next semester. I failed chemistry but I managed to pass everything else and I looked forward to going to California in 1977 even though I knew I would be in trouble for my loving and getting stoned ways.

As it can easily become boring listening to one’s search for and against love/commitment/desire-answering and all the rest I will summarize passing infatuations/flings/conquests/failures with the short
statement that the moment is filled with interpretations that perhaps is unique to humans.

Life is stories. Perhaps stories are another uniquely human trait. No one really has completed the pictures of what is unique with particular species when it comes to life. We only guess that what we do is particular to humans. How can we know whether other species exchange stories? Do dogs and coyotes and pigeons and tuna tell others of their species about their latest sexual involvement? Do they dialogue about one another? Is gossip unique to humans? It is obvious animals communicate with one another but how that is done we have no idea.
How animals migrate thousands of miles at the same time each year is far superior to human communication. I know I have a difficult time finding my way around cities I live in.

Yesterday, 16th September 2021, my wife sat in the backyard talking with a magpie that visits every day. The magpie yakked on and on for @ least fifteen minutes, a foot a way from Narda, looking her in the eye and ‘talking’ nonstop.

We humans with all our alleged intelligence are really quite stupid. No other species in the history of this planet has done as much damage to its own environment-living-space as humans. No other species kills off its own at the rate humans do.
Humans have been on the planet the shortest of most if not all species and it will be the one species to end all of life on earth. Something went horribly wrong in evolution. If humans had not invented consciousness to make the mess we have then there would be no pollution, elimination of so many species, and destruction in so many ways. No doubt how it will all eventually play out is that humans will manage to destroy a vast amount of the planet, kill off every human through war and disease and general mayhem and over the next million years or so the earth will recoup with new species and it will be quite the beautiful planet once again. The basis of human destruction is religion.

We constantly were being shifted around in the Order. My living in Baltimore and Towson, Maryland for three-years would be considered a long stay by Order terms. We continually had new faces;
in my, perhaps, warped mind; we often had new bodies to explore, and the accompanying minds were just the gateway to those bodies. I am sure I entertained the idea, as we were taught it, that the body was just a part of one’s life. That we were not our body and our body was just what we were given to learn and explore life on this orb/planet/sphere/dimension which seemed like a noble belief. However, the body, as packaging, is what keeps all species going.

Rebecca was one such body package that, at least to me, begged exploration. She was a good sister. Always working hard to do the right thing, but she was a bit of a space case and for some reason or the other, to my animal consciousness seemed suited for mating. The problem was her desire to do it all right, to be the good Order sister. I went to a movie or two with her and I tried everything known to man to get her to get physical with me but to little avail. She was willing to hold hand occasionally and that was it.

One night when she was on patrol, dressed in her clerics, walking the streets of Baltimore for the Lord. She missed the last bus of the evening to our home in Towson. Whilst waiting at the bus stop, she accepted a ride with a black man who said he would drive her home. He went to a side street and raped her. It was her first sexual experience in her twenty plus years. Of course, she was totalled devastated and as her friend, I tried to help her but this was really out of my league. She was sent to San Francisco for counselling. We kept in touch for a couple of years. She visited me once a couple of years later with a male she was with.

Some ten-years-later I received a letter from her and she was in the process of marrying a minister who had been in the Order and she was all very religious and happy with her life. I received a letter from the minister bloke inviting me to their wedding. He said he knew we were close friends and that he would like to meet me. I wrote back and one of the things I mentioned was that it was good that Rebecca was doing well as I was always concerned about her mental well-being after the time she was raped by the black dude. I never heard from the
minister again and I was not sent a formal invitation to their wedding. I am sure I said the wrong thing but I had not done it to cause trouble. Perhaps he was praising the Lord for being given such a busty and attractive virgin. Gosh darn.

Do other species get caught up with the mind of that with which they desire to mate with or do they just go for the body, the fulfilment of their lust? Humans with our alleged unique consciousness has put all these rules to the uniting of bodies that other species would consider, and probably do, quite foolish. My dog would just hop on another dog and stick his dick in the other dog, male or female, brown, black, white, large or small; there did not seem to be a lot of discussion or mental exploration beforehand. Of course, we would consider my dog a dog and therefore not very evolved so sex would be just what he would do. However, my dog never started a war on another area, did not kill indiscriminately, did not steal, destroy the environment and so on and so forth as humans do. Actually my dog, as all dogs are, was more evolved than the leader of the United States.
Of course, there are the stories about “Ducks rape, dolphins rape, orangutans rape, seals rape…” “Shocking: Seals Found Chasing and Raping Penguins (Caught on Camera). On a remote and mostly desolate sub-Antarctic island, researchers have discovered that fur seals are chasing and raping penguins in an exhibition of extreme sexual behavior. To watch a video of this fun go to http://www.dailymail.co.uk/video/sciencetech/vide
o-1136704/Disturbing-video-shows-Antarctic-fur-seal-raping-penguin.html
WHAT IS WRONG WITH HUMAN CO- OPERATION??? = DIVISION

Division comes from under-developed consciousness which other species seemingly do not have to deal with. Before human consciousness was invented – most likely at the time when people moved from hunter-gathers to city dwellers (between the writing of the Iliad and the Odyssey) life was good. Flint, John and Savage, Eric. “What is the Bicameral Mind?” in CONTROLLING MYSTICS THROUGH THEIR BICAMERAL MINDS.
NEOTECH III accessed on line Sunday, April 02, 2006 at http://www.neo-tech.com/neotech/discovery/nt3.html That page is no longer available in March 2015, but their ranting is still going on over at http://www.neo-tech.com

Ann Rand is their hero so follow that reasoning. Though I must admit, transparency and all – I was a fan of her for many years – go figure.

Race – how can we be so stupid as to value any race, culture, “nationality” as being any superior to any other? We are born in the body we are born in and to deem one body better because it is white or black or green or whatever shows how un-evolved an individual is.

Beliefs: religious, political, moral, and philosophical – if we look at the world today we can easily see that no religion has ever done it well. Every religion has followers who takes other people’s lives, who steal, lie, cheat and live for themselves. No religion has had a leader that has changed the course we are on – the destruction of the environment. No religion protects us from wrong doers. To give the false hope that we will be rewarded in another lifetime shows how dishonest religion really is. “Give me all that you have and I will reward you in the future” – though of course there has never been any proof of this. Those who believe this are just plain stupid.

Some ten-years later I received a letter from her and she was in the process of marrying a minister and she was all very religious and happy with her life.
I received a letter from the minister bloke inviting me to their wedding. He said he knew we were close friends and that he would like to meet me. I wrote back and one of the things I mentioned was that it was good that Rebecca was doing well as I was always concerned about her mental well-being after the time she was raped by the black dude. I never heard from the minister again and I was not sent a formal invitation to their wedding. I am sure I said the wrong thing but I had not done it to cause trouble. Perhaps he was praising the Lord for being given such a busty and attractive virgin. Gosh darn.

Christmas 1976 Baltimore, Maryland- in a religious Order

Christmas 1976 was spent with brothers and sisters in the Order house though later in the day I managed to slip out of the house on some excuse to have a lovely lustful loving lot with Dorrie.

30. 19771977 freedom again‌

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Terrell Neuage, (dual citizen USA/Australia) is a South Australian/New York poet, writer, and digital artist known for his evocative poetry and extensive research on conversational analysis in on-line communciations (including communication in the AI era; from sharing information to making sense of it). His best-selling autobiographies;Leaving America (Before the After) & Leaving Australia (after) – exploring life as a hippie, brother in a California Cult (Holy Order of MANS) as Brother Terrell Adsit, Astrolger (40-years) to non-believer, and adventures in Australia, single parent, tofu manufacturer/street artist, China, the USA & fifty+ other ountries. From high school drop out, Shenendehowa Central School, Clifton Park, New York at age 16, back to school at age 44 (BA & Masters from Deakin University, Melbourne, Australia) to PhD from the University of South Australia at age 58 to knocking on your door at age 78.