sorry Kris I never knew this would be like this (now I am off to China for two years after living in New York for nine years and the last time I saw you in Australia was morre than a decade ago - who would have guessed?)
So far away
No way to return
We never said goodbye
There was no kiss goodbye
Never slammed the door goodbye
Wasn’t any ‘I don’t want to see you again’
Or break up
(your last whisper as we sat at the shore where we had met years earlier were
‘I love you
I don’t want to break up
I just need some space’
November 15, 2000 as the Sun slipped into the sea and we passed out of one another’s life)
We just faded
You in the distance
Me even further
I thought I would see you in a few days
Then I realized I was the only one waiting for us
These months just went by
You in your neighboring suburb
Me lost in space
I can never go back to us
Because we no longer exist
At least I know now
(Now so long too late so faraway too much has happened since we last kissed)
That for one short span of time I did love once fully
That I will love you forever in my distant silence and faded shadow’s memories
And maybe in some future existence
Some distant place in space
Far beyond earthly logic
We will merge once again
And recall the short rapid magical years
We spent on earth together
In this lonely imprisoned solar system
And our laughter – it will echo through galaxies
Past many Big Banged created Universes and other limited time frames
Whilst a spark of our once shared love
Fills a void
In the fold of time to become a lone star
A pulsar so distant only we will know we exist
Universe to universe
Like we would have been
If only we knew how to stay together whilst in this life.
This is my closure for a love that I could no longer hold on to
Closure because we never broke up or said goodbye but we just vanished
I can only say goodbye to you in my memory.
Thursday, February 22, 2001 17:42:58
(Was it Transit Uranus conjunct your Venus, opposite my Sun: T. Pluto square your Saturn: T. Saturn conjunct both our Moons: Solar Progressed Uranus conjunct my Sun or some remote midpoint being set off or did we just get to the end of our learning together? Did an asteroid hack into our composite chart or did the last solar eclipse demolish our First Meeting Chart. If so why do I still feel after all these months that a part of my body has been amputated?)
Maybe we both just wanted too much from each other and then ended up with nothing – how does that happen?
Sometimes I catch myself staring and don’t know at what or why… then I see you and everything just ends. Like a dying decayed dwarf star.
Just thought I would say that….
Thanks for being the source of so many picture poems and poems of the week
At least I got something out of the past years to hold onto. Sometimes I look through notebooks – at the 2000 plus poems I wrote you our first three-years together and wonder if I will ever be so obsessive again. If I will ever be so creative, laugh so much, love so freely, feel so fulfilled, dream so easy…
And we met with you reading my picture-poems whilst they were on display in Glenelg January First 1995 and here I am saying goodbye to you. You who hates the Internet and would never read this anyway on the Internet at the beginning of 2001.
Then again maybe I am just missing the us because my life has changed so much in the past couple of months I hardly recognize myself and I am a bit wobbly going into my newness – I feel as if I have just arrived on a distant planet with nothing as I once knew it and it would be so nice to take comfort in the once security I knew with you, but then I wouldn’t change would I? And it is important though not easy to embark on a life where nothing is familiar – I am but an insecure explorer standing at the Arctic Circle in so much ice and cold. I wonder if six years from now we will meet and I will say the past six years were shit compared to the previous six years. But then I no longer will be me in six years so you wouldn’t recognize me anyway giving nothing to compare to. Just as when I first made contact with you on New Year’s Day as the last rays of the day shown on my picture-poems I knew my life had changed I now know with the last contact I had with you on that Wednesday evening my life once again has changed. And 35 years of astrological knowledge cannot explain to me what happened.
Aloha friend lover all the world to me.
Thank you for all you have given to me. I do realize you were the one who kept us together through so much difficulty and I just went abstract so much of the time and I understand you no longer had the strength/resolve/will to keep me from falling off the edge. Though in my defense these have been remarkable years on this planet as we too got caught up in the delusions of a world stumbling from what they perceived as one millennium to the next though between you and me we just stumbled – the only difference between this millennium and the last is that I am without you. And my problem is that even though I am no longer me the new me still loves the old you – not that you are old. ‘NEW SITE = JULY 2014 - http://neuage.us/2014/July/ - Today is the first day of the rest of my life without you’ what a terrible thought.
Why is it
When I dance
You have dreams
In the rain?
© Terrell Neuage 1997 Adelaide SA
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